Soaps: Applications in life

Tell me one of the most happening, sought after, knowledgeable, valuable experiences in the current Indian society, which is witness to mankind's creativity and powers of imagination.
Yes, yes, you're right! Soaps!

Let me give some tips to the common man as to how you can apply 'soap' situations in your real life.

What a piece of creation, I must say. As informative as a life encyclopedia, but not as boring.

Serials help the common man a lot. Switch on a Tamil or a Kannada serial, and you'll exactly know which distemper and paint not to buy for your house. If you want to learn the Veena, please don't join any class, just put on a serial, blindfold yourself, catch your crotch, and listen intently. And become a maestro.

Put on a Hindi serial, and you'll learn important tricks to seduce your partner, like sleeping with lipstick on, and a silk saree that could cover up an elephant. Only that I must warn you, you might suffocate to death. And you cannot come back alive (Note the difference).

You also learn important social principles and behaviors, like the fact that whenever you see a couple about to kiss, hold your breath for while, let them get millimeters close, and when they're about to kiss, let out a shout, so that lips don't meet. Remember, if lips meet, sun disappears. Also remember, if you don't shout, someone else will. So, shout and get yourself heard.

Take inspiration from a serial, and realize that your day should start with you reading the newspaper and drinking tea. Remember, if you feel like taking a leak, remove the feeling. Also, you should live in a house with a garden. If you don't, you'll be buried alive. Next, you should have guests visiting your house everyday. If they don't, you should visit them. Remember, if neither of these happen, sun disappears.

Next, when you travel to your office by an Auto, don't worry about time, there's always a soul mate auto for you, which comes in the second you reach the road, and drops you in five minutes wherever you want to go, provided you catch your soul mate auto. Note this important point: When you get down, pay the auto fellow only in notes. Not in coins. And at no cost should you take back any change. Remember, if either of these happen the opposite way, you disappear.

Next, when you speak to someone on the phone, you should never ask who the person on that side is. You should complete your entire made up speech, and then confirm if you said it to the right person. Remember, it's invariably the wrong person. But don't worry, he'll call you up and do the same mistake, so you both are even.

You should remember your manners; whenever someone comes home, greet them, and immediately ask them if they want anything hot or cold. Here I must warn you, they might say yes. But then, you can punish them for their lack of manners by giving them Horlicks.

Next, when you walk on a road and a pretty girl walks toward you, when you pass by, make sure you hit her, so that she drops something and you both can stare at each other for 15 seconds, before the sound of vultures above you makes you move. But make sure you don't take your lips close, as someone is always waiting to let out a shout, and you might piss getting scared. The entire purpose is ruined then. Also, remember, if you don't hit her, you evaporate.

Now, when you think of calling up a girl, never do it. Because, the same second you call, she's dialing your number. So, here's the trick: Pick up the phone, act as if you're dialing a number but don't. The supernatural forces don't know this, and she dials your number and you get to speak to her. Though I must warn you, she might also be acting, hence, wait for a while, and dial. But then, she dials too. Don't worry. You cannot speak on the phone. Yes, I wasted your time.

If you ask me, 'Which do you prefer, watching Indian serials, or listening to a bald Taiwan man reciting nursery rhymes on an ocean floor?', I would prefer the latter.